I Need to Pee!

Who knew how difficult it would be to hold your bladder? I mean of course we've all been there done that..... too much water (or other liquid substance) and then no bathroom. You cross your legs, and try to imagine yourself somewhere else.

Well that was me this past week, only it was a forced event. I had to drink 32 ounces of water in 30 minutes, then hold it until I went in for a doctor appointment 1 hour later. At first I thought it was easy, until I got out of the car and started walking. Oh yeah.... all that moving around.... I needed to go! But I couldn't! I checked in for my appointment and sat down in the waiting room. Now mind you I was only crazy lady in there - it was 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday! The technician came to get me and took me into the ultrasound room. He asked me to lay down and tuck a towel in my jeans. He proceeded to take out a probe and push down HARD on my belly. Oh My!!! Is he really doing this? Surely he knows I have a full bladder!?!? He continued to move this probe all around my belly, pushing down. I must've had a look on my face becasue he said "I'm sorry, this part is almost over and then you can go to the bathroom."

Whew! After about 10 minutes of this I was able to empty my bladder. But then came another probe - and another 20 minutes of looking around, which was all fine and dandy until about minute 16.... at which point I needed to do to the bathroom again! Oh My! He better hurry this up or I'm going to pee on this table.

But I'm happy to report I was able to make it through. Now I wait for the results......

Next Steps

So after taking some time after our last procedures to get healthy as well as to energize ourselves, we sit here wondering if it's time to try again. This journey of infertility is a rollercoaster - as I've said many times before I LOVE rollercoasters, but not this one. I'm so ready to be on steady ground and put this journey behind us.

As I said in my last post, we made some changes in our lifestyle. We made a few and they were easy to do and we enjoyed them so we decided to take it another step further. We also started seeing a Naturopath who saw a few levels that were low (i.e. Vitamin D, B-12, etc.) so we are on some supplements. It is quite funny to watch me fill our pill containers each Sunday night. We have the "dual" container where you have a.m. and p.m. pills. I swear you would think we were 85 years old. We each take about 6-12 pills per day. I also thought it would be good for my body to be "off" medications for a few months. I was a bit scared that we don't really know what the medications do to us in the long term, but I was recently told that is not true. There was a study done with over 45,000 woman over 30 years which showed the medications are some of the safest on the market. That did make me feel alittle better - although all the while still wondering, was the study properly conducted? What if they just missed something? But I try not to let my mind go there :)

And through this all we continue to try. I have the ovulation kit, it's even the special one where dummies, ME :), can read it. Each month I just pray that we are able to conceive naturally so there is no further procedures and we can finally get off the rollercoaster. But each month so far, I'm reminded how stubborn and difficult this "disease" can be. And so here we sit - 6 months after taking some time to re-energize and become healthier and it's still an uphill battle for us.

My body is telling me the time has come to start thinking of next steps. Of course that overwhelms me a bit but my brain is turning and my body is willing.....

So.... what will we do?

Time to Get Healthy

So J and I have taken these last 6 weeks since getting our BFN to reflect on the journey. We also decided to take some steps to improve our quality of life. The journey of infertility can be long and very stressful. It can make things very "dry" and often takes the "life" out of things. We decided it was time for us to take some time for ourselves and really focus on us. Of course we still want nothing more than to be parents - but we also want to be the best parents we can be and that meant making a few changes.

Changes.... they are everywhere!

I read a book "Inconceviable" which is about a woman who sturggles with secondary infertility. The book is well written and talks about this woman's journey about finding answers about her own body. She was taking "no" for an answer. She was going to be a mom again and she sought out alot of help (some traditional and others not so tradtional). One thing that she talked about which I'd been hearing alot lately too was switching to an Organic diet. I thought - this a change we can make. So our diet became a mostly Organic diet. Orangic veggies, meat, fruit, and milk whenever we could. I do believe that our society is putting way too many "things" into our food, most of which aren't very healthy for us, regardless if you are trying to conceive or not. The funny thing - my food really seems to taste better to me! The only bummer is that Organic is more expensive and many items can be difficult to find. We've enjoyed cooking at home and we cannot remember the last time we ate out. There are some funny things in the book too - doing jumping jacks, having red sheets, alternating hot and cold water while in the shower, and doing wheat grass shots. Figure these can't hurt anything so we've been doing them too!

Exercise was another much needed change. Being a former gymnast and cheerleader, I'm fairly fit, but not nearly as flexible or athletic as I use to be. I started hitting the gym 5-6 times a week. I got into a routine of 2 yoga classes, 2 hip-hop classes and a Pilates class. J and I also started doing Yoga at home (since he won't come to the gym with me to do it since he says he doesn't know what he is doing). I'm super proud of him for trying and see his improvements everyday. We've also started walking 3-4 times a week. On the weekends we try and hit somewhere fun (beach, Torrey Pines, Harbor Island) and festive and during the week we just walk around the neighborhood. It's a nice time for conversation, breathing in fresh air and getting our blood circulating.

These last 6 weeks of reflection have been a welcome relief to both of us. I'm happy with the changes we've made and look forward to what the future has in store for us.

I said "If nothing else I will be healthy!"

Here Comes 2011

Happy New Year! I cannot believe it is 2011. As I sat at home last night I reflected back on the past year. It was a difficult one all around.

First, my uncle-in-law had triple by-pass surgery and while they were performing the surgery they realized his heart was only pumping at 5%. The doctor told my aunt-in-law to say her prayers. Thank goodness God didn't think it was time for him to go. He made a full recovery and is doing very well.

Next, my life changing experience. As I've posted her, we lost our baby in May 2010 - after it was determined that I had a tubal pregnancy that ruptured. The blessing was that I was in great hands during the surgery and they were able to keep my ovary. It was also a blessing that I was able to recover (at least physically) quickly.

Finally, in August my mom became very ill. A routine surgery (gallbladder removal) turned into so much more. She is a feisty woman and appeared to come out of the surgery well. The surgeon said her gallbladder was pretty inflamed (which is why the surgery took a bit longer than expected) but he didn't anticipate any issues. We went home about 9 hours later, only to end up back in the ER less than 24 hours later. Long story short - she was admitted to the hospital and after a few days it was discovered she had pnemonia and the words that scared me to death - congestive heart failure! She was in the hospital for 10 days and I stayed in her room 6 of those nights. She was on a BiPap machine and I was very afraid of the prognosis. However, I did feel that she was in good hands and was optimistic that she would make a full recovery. She is doing much better - however, we are still dealing with high liver function tests, which they feel is because she has two gallstones that snuck out and haven't passed on their own.

So here we are... 2011.... blood tests this morning were devastating to both myself and my mom. She still have high liver function results.... and we aren't pregnant :-(

I know that everyone has struggles and you can either give up or move forward. I'm hopeful that this year will bring health and happiness to all around me. It's been such a struggle and at times I find myself in tears and there is nothing anyone can say to me to take the pain away. I am a fighter and am not ready to give up on OUR journey. I know at some point I will need to give-up - but that really isn't in my nature. I ask God everyday to watch over me and help me become the mom that I've always want to be. I know I've shown my determination and I KNOW that we will be the best parents :-)

This first day of 2011 wasn't a good one - but I still optimistic that 2011 will bring me my wish!

God - I know you are there listening and watching over me

Struggling....

We just had the BEST and WORST week our of lives.

The BEST: After the few days of disappointment I was pleasantly surprised to see my test results that showed an actual number. Oh My.... I looked at my husband and said "Honey, I think we are pregnant!" Tears came to both of our eyes but we weren't exactly sure what the numbers meant - only that I'd never seen a number before. We left to spend the weekend up in Santa Monica visiting his mom and dad. It was a nice weekend and so surreal to be walking around with the recent results we had. Of course we knew there would be more blood tests to confirm the pregnancy and that we wouldn't be out of the woods yet - so we kept the news to ourselves. But all the while basking in it ourselves :-) We did 2 more blood tests all which showed positive numbers. The doctor was pleased and scheduled a date for an ultrasound to see the heartbeat. That brought music to our ears! Since my sister would be in town that weekend and we've passed the initial tests, we told my mom on Friday evening and then my sister on Saturday morning. Our course there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was more than I ever expected!

The WORST: Monday afternoon/evening all our hopes and dreams came crashing down. After a nice weekend with my sister we had lunch Monday and I dropped her off at the airport. Then I headed into work. After 3:00 I started having some stomach pains. I thought I had gas. Then I got sick (three times). I thought oh no - here comes the morning (or all day) sickness. But I would take that morning sickness over and over again to be blessed with a little one. However, the pain didn't go away. I called my husband and told him that he needed to come pick me up. I called the doctor to get an appointment at Urgent Care but because I was pregnant they said I needed to go directly to the ER. So off to the ER we went. Upon arrival the pain was getting worse - I was doubled over and crying. They quickly took me in to take my vitals and got me into a room hooked up to an IV. They gave me some pain medication - I was so scared because they said I would be getting morphine - I said I'm pregnant and they said "Yes, narcotics are okay during pregnancy." But it sounded so scary to me. I had a urine culture, multiple blood draws, a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. Then came the news that crushed us. There was no sign of a pregnancy in the uterus - I had a tubal pregnancy. Then came the scary news - it was large with a good chance of rupturing which would put my life in danger. I would need immediate surgery. Tears were streaming down my face. We'd tried so hard - our persistence finally paid off and now we were going to lose our baby :-( It was so traumatic and scary at the same time. Of course there was no choice. My health was in jeopardy. So off to the Operating Room I went. The good news was that the surgery went well and they were able to go in laparoscopy (less invasively) but the bad news was that I lost a fallopian tube. The tubal was large in size and it was the doctor's opinion that I would be better off having the tube removed so that there wasn't a damaged tube with scar tissue with a chance of having another tubal. They are the doctor's and should know best so I trusted his decision. Recovery was a few hours and then I was sent home. I've been home not quite a week yet and physically I'm healing well - I haven't yet looked at the surgery site. Emotionally is harder and I know it will take time. There are times when I can't do anything and feel so helpless and sad.

I don't yet know what the future will hold for us. I hope and pray that God will bring us another pregnancy and the birth of our first child. The doctor's when I asked before and after surgery seemed optimistic which brought me hope. I'll see both my OB and my fertility doctor in the next few weeks and get some more questions answered.

As my husband said "We did it. We were able to get pregnant." This is true and I'm hoping now that my body has done it once it knows now what it should do. Maybe only having one tube will be more efficient - only one way up and down. And this time - the egg cannot stop at that imaginary stop sign.

It is truly amazing how this whole process (and surgery scare) has brought my husband and I closer. The bond between us is more amazing than ever. I'm also blessed with supportive family and friends. Each saying this is just a bump in the road (feels like a big ditch to me) and that we'll get past it, look back on it once we have our little ones and just think - We made it.

My husbands words.... No one can stop us now :-)

Another day.... more disappointment. These days its hard to feel anything other disappointment and dispair. When you want something so badly and are doing everything you can and being persistent it becomes hard when you can't obtain it.

I started the morning out almost exactly like yesterday. The pitter patter of the rain - then some bleeding :-( This stops during the day but I can only assume it is Aunt Flo on her way :-( Of course I still hold on that slight bit of hope that it could be pregnancy signs but at the same time being realistic and not getting my hopes up too much.

Tomorrow is a scheduled blood test which will confirm what has happened this month.... the waiting game and rollercoaster are so hard.

Pitter Patter.... that was the noise I heard about this morning. However, it wasn't the pitter patter of little feet but the rain. As I lay in bed my wandered around for a bit.... I thought about what we would name our little one, envisioned us as parents, and imgained the feeling we would have when we found out we were preggers (since we're going through treatments I won't be able to surprise my hubby, we find out each month together). But then I got up out of bed and all my dreams were shattered. Today there is more bleeding - and given that it is pretty bright red - I'm pretty sure it is the beginning of Aunt Flo. This cycle it looks like I won't even make it to the pregnancy test, although they still have me do it because there is that rare case that I could be pregnant and bleeding. Holding onto that slim hope that I am that RARE case.

Thoughts and prayers please and we continue to ride this rollercoaster. Each month is getting harder and harder :-(