Another day.... more disappointment. These days its hard to feel anything other disappointment and dispair. When you want something so badly and are doing everything you can and being persistent it becomes hard when you can't obtain it.

I started the morning out almost exactly like yesterday. The pitter patter of the rain - then some bleeding :-( This stops during the day but I can only assume it is Aunt Flo on her way :-( Of course I still hold on that slight bit of hope that it could be pregnancy signs but at the same time being realistic and not getting my hopes up too much.

Tomorrow is a scheduled blood test which will confirm what has happened this month.... the waiting game and rollercoaster are so hard.

Pitter Patter.... that was the noise I heard about this morning. However, it wasn't the pitter patter of little feet but the rain. As I lay in bed my wandered around for a bit.... I thought about what we would name our little one, envisioned us as parents, and imgained the feeling we would have when we found out we were preggers (since we're going through treatments I won't be able to surprise my hubby, we find out each month together). But then I got up out of bed and all my dreams were shattered. Today there is more bleeding - and given that it is pretty bright red - I'm pretty sure it is the beginning of Aunt Flo. This cycle it looks like I won't even make it to the pregnancy test, although they still have me do it because there is that rare case that I could be pregnant and bleeding. Holding onto that slim hope that I am that RARE case.

Thoughts and prayers please and we continue to ride this rollercoaster. Each month is getting harder and harder :-(

Here we are coming down the final stretch before we have a blood test to hopefully confirm pregnancy!!!

However, there has been some doubt that has been creeping in. I started the weekend with some bleeding which scared me. But I know your body can do strange things throughout pregnancy so I tried not to think about it. I spent a nice Saturday at the Wild Animal Park with my mom. They have a neat exhibit called "Butterfly Jungle" where they have thousands of butterflies in an enclosed area and you can view them. Some of them even hitch a ride on you :-) The park was pretty crowded and we only stayed until the afternoon and then went to a nice lunch. When the hubby got home we enjoyed a nice dinner and movie. It was the perfect day minus the start :-(

Sunday was a gorgeous day in San Diego (one of many we have yearly) and I was able to get some laundry and housework done while Jeremy was at work. When he got home we decided to go for a nice bike ride along the boardwalk at the bay. The weather was perfect as was the company! We had perfect timing because as we left the bay the clouds started to roll in and the weather got cold. By that evening it was cold - I was in sweats scrapbooking and the rain came down! It was actually a nice way to end the weekend - listening to the pitter patter of the rain. Hopefully soon that pitter patter we hear will be little baby footsteps!!!

I'm still having some spotting and am concerned and scared that it is just the beginning of my menstral cycle. Of course that is something that I dread and don't want! There really isn't anything that can be done for now. We are either pregnant or not. The progesterone suppostitories that I'm taking can cause some irritation which could lead to the spotting and some people have implantation. So I hold onto hope that what is happening to me now is all related to pregnany and not good ol' dreaded Aunt Flo.

Stay tuned.... 3 more days.... still trying to stay positive and praying that this is our lucky cycle!

One Week Down....

One more to go....

It's been exactly one week since I had my IUI. Fingers and toes crossed that we come up with a big fat positive this month!

First good news was that my progesterone blood work that was drawn on Wednesday was good. Doctors typically like to see over 15 in a medicated cycle. Mine was >60! The highest I've had so far was a 29. So I'm hoping that this is the start of something good :-)

Been feeling good all week. We were able to head down to Palm Springs to stay with some friends and "hang out" with them. They have two little (well 7 and 9 now so not so little) ones that are wonderful. They seem to adore us and we adore them. We played in the pool with them, played games, watched movies, ate pizza and made some anklets. Fun times! Their parents know what we are going through and the mom told the kids a bit too, so they could say a pray for us at church. Then while we were there Alexa said she thought we would have twin girls :-) So cute!

Today I felt a bit dizzy and tired - not sure if it is related to anything. I've also had minor spotting which scares me but some people say it can also be a good thing.... implantation bleeding that is! However, I think I've had this in a previous cycle and each of those were negative. So I try hard not to get my hopes up too much but all the while hoping that the little side effects I'm feeling are from being pregnant.

So we continue to wait. We have a blood test to confirm or deny pregnancy next Friday. Even if Aunt Flo comes before then I must go in for a blood test since some people can bleed but still be pregnant.

Still keeping my chin up , trying to stay relaxed, and thinking positive baby thoughts!

I'm still thinking this is the month that we rolled the right number on the dice :-)

Friday! Today is the Day!

Friday. End of the work week... start of a new journey for us? We can hope and pray!

We had our doctor appointment this morning. I really like our doctor. He seems so calculated and precise. He is also very supportive and though I know he can't be sure we'll be parents, I know he is doing all he can to ensure we have the best possible chance. At the end he said "Good luck to you." I said "We'll be rolling the right number on the dice this time." He said "I think you will." After we had the IUI we sat in the room for about 20 minutes and during that time I envisioned myself as a mom. It brought a smile to my face.

After our appointment we returned home and relaxed. Even though I could do normal activities I choose to take the day off. So I came home - put my legs in air the air (couldn't hurt right?) and watched T.V. I've had some slight cramping and don't feel 100% but as the hubby said "Well you just had a bunch of stuff stuck in you and had alot of poking and proding." I can imagine you don't feel good. He has been waiting on me and ensuring I feel ok.

Life is good today. I can only hope all that is suppose to happen inside me will do so in the next week and we'll get a positive pregnancy test. In the meantime we'll have the dreaded two week wait.

But.... I WILL roll the right number on the dice....as the doctor said in his analogy. If you roll the dice enough times you'll hit it. We're ready to hit it :-)

Kissing Ovaries

So I've been in to the doctor twice so far this week.

Yesterday: Bloodwork in the am and then off to the dr for a sono. He checked my follicles to see how many I had and what their sizes were. Of course I seem to be a slow mover on some of these things and I didn't have any ready to go. The good news however, was that there were a few that looked promising and my uterine lining looked good.

The other odd (cute) thing that happened was that while he was doingthe sonogram he said "Oh look you have kissing ovaries." I said "What?" He then showed me on the screen. My ovaries are literally touching each other right now - partly because they have been stimulated and partly because they are only attached by ligaments and can move around slightly. It was very cute to see on the screen and I thought to myself.... awe.... maybe this is a good sign :-)

One small vial of medicine last night and that was a BREZZE!

Today: Back to the lab for bloodwork and another sono. All is looking good. There are a few follicles that he thinks will be ready in a few days (he is waiting on bloodwork) but he also had some concerns. He told me "We don't want all these guys getting to the train station at the same time!" I know right now with the precedure we are doing (IUI) there is a fine line. They want to give us the best possible chance of becoming pregnant but also want both mom and baby to be healthly (hence having 8 eggs and getting them all fertilized wouldn't be good). This however, can be hard for me as it seems like we haven't been having any luck getting one of my husband's dudes to fertilize an egg. If they had a few more to find it might be easier for them.

Through this journey I continue to learn more and more and I continue to grow closer to the staff at the office. I erally enjoy medical science and through my expereince I really wish I could do something.... get out and talk to people about infertility and/or work in an office with those women who are going through it. It can be a really lonely feeling.

Ovaries were still kissing and I'm holding onto my hope that it is a good sign and what we needed.

End of this week will be it I hope!!!! Baby thoughts :-)

This week has been pretty rough. I'm always nervous when I start the shots, even though I know I've done it before and will have no problems - I'm still anxious.

The medications themselves are going well - the shots are smooth and only hurt a bit. But we've had a few issues....

My biggest problem has been my lack of sleep. Each night I've been waking up 2-3 times - which doesn't lend itself to a good night's sleep. I've been so tired and drained and just hoping to sleep the night through!

Then I also got some information that floored me! I've been drinking Chai Tea at night - it is my little ritual - I make one then do some scrapbooking.... all the while because I thought it was a "good" substitute... it is 99.8% Caffeine free. Well after my sleeping this week I thought maybe I misread the container. This container I have doesn't have ANY info on caffeine. So I called the company who makes it and asked about the content. Sure enough... it has caffeine... and ALOT of it. About 60 mg.... which is almost TWO sodas. I've been doing this probably 4-5 times a week. NOT GOOD!! I was freaking out. I know caffeine isn't good for you and typically don't drink much of it - but here I am having almost 2 sodas a day, but not knowing? I was so mad at myself. Of course I stopped - those puppies are getting returned! How can they not list that as an ingredient??? Then after I stopped I had a dull headache for 2 days - maybe my body needed the caffeine? Not a happy camper but most importantly I'm upset ingredients don't have to be listed - that just doesn't seem right especially with an ingredient such as this that can be detrimental!

So today was a day to reflect - forgive myself - and get some rest. Keeping my chin up and hoping this is our lucky cycle.