This Is It

We are starting a new cycle!!!! So the good news is that my cysts resolved on their own naturally. What a relief it was to hear the doctor tell me that my ovaries looked good along with the "A" ok to start a new cycle.

Now of course comes the fear again. First, the fear of the whole financial aspect. My appointment itself was $244 then the medications come out to another $647! Really $647 for medications? That really is ridiculous... but I won't even go down that road. We are still doing something less invasive on my body and less financially taxing - the IUI route. I still do struggle with that decision but at this point I'm terrified of taking out a loan for $20-25,000 for the chance to have a child. I'm hoping in the long run our decision pays off and that I made the best decision :-)

Each cycle I get excited. I feel optimisitc and hopeful and so far each month my dreams have come crushing down on me. I'm trying to keep my chin up and think nothing but positive thoughts. We've been trying for a long time and have shown that we'll be persistent. I know we'll be great parents and think this expereince is teaching both of us many life lessons.

So first night of pills was last night. The pills don't do much to me except give me hot flashes - ha ha... a sign of what awaits me 30 years down the road?

Feeling tired this morning but excited to get home and do some more scrapbooking. I always envision myself finally filling an album with pictures of our little ones. Some day......

Yesterday was a beautiful San Diego day. It was perfect too as we relaxed by the pool and enjoyed time with friends. Then we had a nice dinner and watched television. However, we both had an awful night of sleep. I think we were both thinking about this upcoming month. What would be next for us?

I woke up this morning feeling very anxious! Today is my next appointment to check and see if the cyst has resolved itself.... so let's see where this goes......

I'm hoping taking this time off will be healthy both emotionally and physically for us. But I can say that it has been hard knowing that we aren't doing any treatments this month. I'm just ready to be a mom.

We've spent time with family these last two weekends - It is really nice to get a chance to spend time with them, though it is hard too because I know they are wondering if/when we'll have children. With my mom, she knows, and I think she isn't sure when to bring things up about the issue. However, anytime I need to talk/vent or just talk about the process she is always there!

It's hard being out in public and seeing all the newborn babies. I just imagine myself in their shoes and the things I would be doing :-) This past weekend for example I went skiing with my mom with some free passess a girlfriend was generous to give me and there seemed to be alot of "little" ones on the slopes. It was so darn cute and I could just imagine us as parents teaching out kid(s) to ski. Heading down the mountain with the little harness on them, or skiing with them between your legs. Those are the days I long for - the days when I'm a parent and can give my children life experiences.

Until then.... I dream.....

Infertility can be a sad, and lonely condition. It isn't easily discussed, nor is it generally accepted as an officially diagnosed medical condition, such as heart disease, cancer, or diabetes, though in my personal opinion, infertility absolutely should be included on this supposed list. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) declared that infertility is a disease as did the World Health Organization People suffering through infertility often have trouble accepting, as well as understanding, infertility. I know I originally laughed it off because I didn't know what else to do. I was so scared!!! It's not uncommon for friends, and family members to become uneasy when it comes to discussing this private and personal issue. Unfortunately, as much as your family, and/or friends, long to understand your situation, infertility is an internal issue generally met with some confusion.

As for me, it is a journey my husband and I are now on. We are trying to learn as much as possible as we struggle to conceive and at the same time I talk with friends (some of whom are struggling too) to help them understand what is happening. Infertility isn't something to be ashamed of (though I was inititally). I no longer maintain any fear of speaking openly about my infertility and find comfort when I can talk with others about it. My body's nobody's business but my own, and of course, the select few my husband and I have chosen to share our most personal information with. The freedom I feel now, after having spoken openly about my own fertility issues, has generously rewarded me with a great deal of peace. To be able to "teach" someone also brings me great reward.

Hopefully this blog gives people some tips on how to successfully discuss infertility with family, and friends along with some insight on what might go through on a daily basis.

Bottom line: I believe you shouldn't ever feel obligated to discuss your infertility with anyone, unless, of course, you choose to do so voluntarily. Allow yourself to feel sad, mad, happy, scared, hurt, etc. There will be alot of emotions that you'll be faced with. But each step of the way I believe we become stronger.

As I am forced to take this month off due to cysts I'm able to look back on the processes that we've done so far, gather more information all the while trying to "de-stress!". Of course the last is easier said than done :-)

Fun Times

Took a break from all the stress to see the Cirque Du Soliel show with my mom. Wow they are truly amazing! Being a former gymnast and cheerleader I REALLY enjoy the shows. What athletes they are :-) Brings me back to my recent days of trapeze. Something I will eventually go back to. The feeling of flying in the air is amazing and something I cannot describe. When walking with my husband last night, I told him, I wish there would've been trapeze and such when I was in high school (in my hometown though). He said, "Well you would've never met me though." I said, "Why?" He said, "You would've gone off and joined the circus!" I do think it would've been amazing to tour the world with a "circus" but my life is pretty good :-)

The night was also very enjoyable because I got to go to dinner with my mom and spend some quality time with her. I can talk openly with her about our struggles which is so nice and refreshing. I know how much she wants to be a grandma and the timing is perfect.... she is retired! She has told me time and again that she doesn't want to be the caretaker. She wants to be the grandma and do fun things with the new little one. I hope our journey ends soon and she is blessed with a little grandchild.

I know when the day comes it will truly be the happiest day of all of our lives! And so our journey continues.....

Cysts

I woke up this morning feeling very tired. We all know emotions can be tiring! Once I was awake and in a grove I had work to do. I needed to read up on ovarian cysts. My nickname is "researcher" partly because that it what I do for a living but also because that is what I do with life. I research everything!!! Sometimes it is good, other times not so good. I can drive myself insane at times. So today I told myself that I would just speand alittle time reading about cysts and then I wouldn't worry anymore.

So it was time for some detective work. Ovarian cysts are small fluid-filled sacs that develop in a woman's ovaries. Most cysts are harmless.... I stopped there and took a deep breath. That was a good first sentence :-) There are varying types of cysts and it looks like what I have are corpus luteum cysts. This type of "functional" ovarian cyst occurs after an egg has been released from a follicle. After this happens, the follicle becomes what is known as a corpus luteum. If a pregnancy doesn't occur, the corpus luteum usually breaks down and disappears. It may, however, fill with fluid or blood and persist on the ovary. Usually, this cyst is found on only one side and produces no symptoms. A good last sentence too :-)

I read a few more articles and realized that this happens quite often after ovulation treatment. However, it isn't something that is mentioned during the treatment. As I cotinue on this journey I realize there are SO many things that people are unaware of. There is so much more education that could be done. However, I know that I am in the "minority" and most people don't have problems conceiving. But, there are alot of us who do have problems and I know that I feel more comfortable and not as scared when I understand what is going on. Education is so important to me!

Anyway, so these cysts usually collapse and shrivel up by the end of the month, but occasionally (up to 30 percent of the time) they hang around for another month or so before resolving on their own. Since a cyst was shown on my ultrasound our treatment had to be delayed. Reason: These leftover cysts can diminish the effectiveness of fertility treatment and may lead to painful ovarian enlargement or torsion (twisting of the ovary that can result in loss of ovarian function). First, the treatment itself is expensive so of course I'm only going to do it when all is right and I don't want to do anything to jeopordize my ovaries! So as I said yesterday - we are on hold this cycle.

Now of course that does't mean nothing :-) We'll still "practice" and hope for the best this month. At the same time I'll be praying that my body is absorbing the cyst and should we not be pregnant next month that we'll be able to start another cycle.

I'm ready to be a mom!

Ready? No

You would think that after all the poking and prodding I've been through the last few months that a doctor visit wouldn't be scary anymore. Wrong! I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. and was excited, nervous, scared and sad all at the same time.

The doctor was running late so I had to wait in the waiting room alittle longer than normal. I saw many couples waiting and thought to myself - wow this truly is a widespread problem, much more so than I would've ever know!

The nurse finally called me in and took me to my room. As I was walking in front of her she gently put her hand on my back and said "I am sorry." I'm sure it is hard for them to break the news to people each month that they aren't pregnant. But then I'm sure they are so happy to be able to finally say "You're pregnant!" My hope is that day will soon come for us. I will be persistent and do what I can to make this work. Of course through it all we unfortunately may be limited by money. All we can do is continue on this journey and see where it takes us.

My doctor came in and shook my hand as he always does. I playfully said "It's me again. I'm back." I have to be a bit light in our circumstances or I would drive myself insane. He then told me "I have it all planned out. This is going to be the month and all your future visits are going to be cancelled." Of course that brought a huge smile to my face, even though I knew he was just trying to be nice. The matter is a bit out of his hands. I said "Well you won't hear any complaints from me. That would be the greatest gift for me!"

So onto the exam as we do each month. Once again a nervous feeling came over me. Though I know the procedures and feel comfortable with the staff there is still that unknown feeling. And unfortunately this month I was also given some news that I had never heard before :-( As he was looking to see how my ovaries looked, he said "Well this is why you must always come in for a baseline. You see this here. You have a cyst in your ovary." Of course I was scared at his first remark. However, he then proceeded to tell me that the cysts themselves aren't worrisome. Many people get them each month, but because they aren't being monitored closely like myself they never even know they have them. However, there was so bad news. This month will be an "off" month. We cannot do any treatment. We must wait and pray that the cysts resolve on their own this month.

I left feeling defeated. Got to work and have been submerging myself in it to not think about it.

I'm taking my mom to Kooza (Cirque Du Soleil) tonight and am looking forward to the distraction if only for a night!