Struggling....

We just had the BEST and WORST week our of lives.

The BEST: After the few days of disappointment I was pleasantly surprised to see my test results that showed an actual number. Oh My.... I looked at my husband and said "Honey, I think we are pregnant!" Tears came to both of our eyes but we weren't exactly sure what the numbers meant - only that I'd never seen a number before. We left to spend the weekend up in Santa Monica visiting his mom and dad. It was a nice weekend and so surreal to be walking around with the recent results we had. Of course we knew there would be more blood tests to confirm the pregnancy and that we wouldn't be out of the woods yet - so we kept the news to ourselves. But all the while basking in it ourselves :-) We did 2 more blood tests all which showed positive numbers. The doctor was pleased and scheduled a date for an ultrasound to see the heartbeat. That brought music to our ears! Since my sister would be in town that weekend and we've passed the initial tests, we told my mom on Friday evening and then my sister on Saturday morning. Our course there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was more than I ever expected!

The WORST: Monday afternoon/evening all our hopes and dreams came crashing down. After a nice weekend with my sister we had lunch Monday and I dropped her off at the airport. Then I headed into work. After 3:00 I started having some stomach pains. I thought I had gas. Then I got sick (three times). I thought oh no - here comes the morning (or all day) sickness. But I would take that morning sickness over and over again to be blessed with a little one. However, the pain didn't go away. I called my husband and told him that he needed to come pick me up. I called the doctor to get an appointment at Urgent Care but because I was pregnant they said I needed to go directly to the ER. So off to the ER we went. Upon arrival the pain was getting worse - I was doubled over and crying. They quickly took me in to take my vitals and got me into a room hooked up to an IV. They gave me some pain medication - I was so scared because they said I would be getting morphine - I said I'm pregnant and they said "Yes, narcotics are okay during pregnancy." But it sounded so scary to me. I had a urine culture, multiple blood draws, a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. Then came the news that crushed us. There was no sign of a pregnancy in the uterus - I had a tubal pregnancy. Then came the scary news - it was large with a good chance of rupturing which would put my life in danger. I would need immediate surgery. Tears were streaming down my face. We'd tried so hard - our persistence finally paid off and now we were going to lose our baby :-( It was so traumatic and scary at the same time. Of course there was no choice. My health was in jeopardy. So off to the Operating Room I went. The good news was that the surgery went well and they were able to go in laparoscopy (less invasively) but the bad news was that I lost a fallopian tube. The tubal was large in size and it was the doctor's opinion that I would be better off having the tube removed so that there wasn't a damaged tube with scar tissue with a chance of having another tubal. They are the doctor's and should know best so I trusted his decision. Recovery was a few hours and then I was sent home. I've been home not quite a week yet and physically I'm healing well - I haven't yet looked at the surgery site. Emotionally is harder and I know it will take time. There are times when I can't do anything and feel so helpless and sad.

I don't yet know what the future will hold for us. I hope and pray that God will bring us another pregnancy and the birth of our first child. The doctor's when I asked before and after surgery seemed optimistic which brought me hope. I'll see both my OB and my fertility doctor in the next few weeks and get some more questions answered.

As my husband said "We did it. We were able to get pregnant." This is true and I'm hoping now that my body has done it once it knows now what it should do. Maybe only having one tube will be more efficient - only one way up and down. And this time - the egg cannot stop at that imaginary stop sign.

It is truly amazing how this whole process (and surgery scare) has brought my husband and I closer. The bond between us is more amazing than ever. I'm also blessed with supportive family and friends. Each saying this is just a bump in the road (feels like a big ditch to me) and that we'll get past it, look back on it once we have our little ones and just think - We made it.

My husbands words.... No one can stop us now :-)

Another day.... more disappointment. These days its hard to feel anything other disappointment and dispair. When you want something so badly and are doing everything you can and being persistent it becomes hard when you can't obtain it.

I started the morning out almost exactly like yesterday. The pitter patter of the rain - then some bleeding :-( This stops during the day but I can only assume it is Aunt Flo on her way :-( Of course I still hold on that slight bit of hope that it could be pregnancy signs but at the same time being realistic and not getting my hopes up too much.

Tomorrow is a scheduled blood test which will confirm what has happened this month.... the waiting game and rollercoaster are so hard.

Pitter Patter.... that was the noise I heard about this morning. However, it wasn't the pitter patter of little feet but the rain. As I lay in bed my wandered around for a bit.... I thought about what we would name our little one, envisioned us as parents, and imgained the feeling we would have when we found out we were preggers (since we're going through treatments I won't be able to surprise my hubby, we find out each month together). But then I got up out of bed and all my dreams were shattered. Today there is more bleeding - and given that it is pretty bright red - I'm pretty sure it is the beginning of Aunt Flo. This cycle it looks like I won't even make it to the pregnancy test, although they still have me do it because there is that rare case that I could be pregnant and bleeding. Holding onto that slim hope that I am that RARE case.

Thoughts and prayers please and we continue to ride this rollercoaster. Each month is getting harder and harder :-(

Here we are coming down the final stretch before we have a blood test to hopefully confirm pregnancy!!!

However, there has been some doubt that has been creeping in. I started the weekend with some bleeding which scared me. But I know your body can do strange things throughout pregnancy so I tried not to think about it. I spent a nice Saturday at the Wild Animal Park with my mom. They have a neat exhibit called "Butterfly Jungle" where they have thousands of butterflies in an enclosed area and you can view them. Some of them even hitch a ride on you :-) The park was pretty crowded and we only stayed until the afternoon and then went to a nice lunch. When the hubby got home we enjoyed a nice dinner and movie. It was the perfect day minus the start :-(

Sunday was a gorgeous day in San Diego (one of many we have yearly) and I was able to get some laundry and housework done while Jeremy was at work. When he got home we decided to go for a nice bike ride along the boardwalk at the bay. The weather was perfect as was the company! We had perfect timing because as we left the bay the clouds started to roll in and the weather got cold. By that evening it was cold - I was in sweats scrapbooking and the rain came down! It was actually a nice way to end the weekend - listening to the pitter patter of the rain. Hopefully soon that pitter patter we hear will be little baby footsteps!!!

I'm still having some spotting and am concerned and scared that it is just the beginning of my menstral cycle. Of course that is something that I dread and don't want! There really isn't anything that can be done for now. We are either pregnant or not. The progesterone suppostitories that I'm taking can cause some irritation which could lead to the spotting and some people have implantation. So I hold onto hope that what is happening to me now is all related to pregnany and not good ol' dreaded Aunt Flo.

Stay tuned.... 3 more days.... still trying to stay positive and praying that this is our lucky cycle!

One Week Down....

One more to go....

It's been exactly one week since I had my IUI. Fingers and toes crossed that we come up with a big fat positive this month!

First good news was that my progesterone blood work that was drawn on Wednesday was good. Doctors typically like to see over 15 in a medicated cycle. Mine was >60! The highest I've had so far was a 29. So I'm hoping that this is the start of something good :-)

Been feeling good all week. We were able to head down to Palm Springs to stay with some friends and "hang out" with them. They have two little (well 7 and 9 now so not so little) ones that are wonderful. They seem to adore us and we adore them. We played in the pool with them, played games, watched movies, ate pizza and made some anklets. Fun times! Their parents know what we are going through and the mom told the kids a bit too, so they could say a pray for us at church. Then while we were there Alexa said she thought we would have twin girls :-) So cute!

Today I felt a bit dizzy and tired - not sure if it is related to anything. I've also had minor spotting which scares me but some people say it can also be a good thing.... implantation bleeding that is! However, I think I've had this in a previous cycle and each of those were negative. So I try hard not to get my hopes up too much but all the while hoping that the little side effects I'm feeling are from being pregnant.

So we continue to wait. We have a blood test to confirm or deny pregnancy next Friday. Even if Aunt Flo comes before then I must go in for a blood test since some people can bleed but still be pregnant.

Still keeping my chin up , trying to stay relaxed, and thinking positive baby thoughts!

I'm still thinking this is the month that we rolled the right number on the dice :-)

Friday! Today is the Day!

Friday. End of the work week... start of a new journey for us? We can hope and pray!

We had our doctor appointment this morning. I really like our doctor. He seems so calculated and precise. He is also very supportive and though I know he can't be sure we'll be parents, I know he is doing all he can to ensure we have the best possible chance. At the end he said "Good luck to you." I said "We'll be rolling the right number on the dice this time." He said "I think you will." After we had the IUI we sat in the room for about 20 minutes and during that time I envisioned myself as a mom. It brought a smile to my face.

After our appointment we returned home and relaxed. Even though I could do normal activities I choose to take the day off. So I came home - put my legs in air the air (couldn't hurt right?) and watched T.V. I've had some slight cramping and don't feel 100% but as the hubby said "Well you just had a bunch of stuff stuck in you and had alot of poking and proding." I can imagine you don't feel good. He has been waiting on me and ensuring I feel ok.

Life is good today. I can only hope all that is suppose to happen inside me will do so in the next week and we'll get a positive pregnancy test. In the meantime we'll have the dreaded two week wait.

But.... I WILL roll the right number on the dice....as the doctor said in his analogy. If you roll the dice enough times you'll hit it. We're ready to hit it :-)

Kissing Ovaries

So I've been in to the doctor twice so far this week.

Yesterday: Bloodwork in the am and then off to the dr for a sono. He checked my follicles to see how many I had and what their sizes were. Of course I seem to be a slow mover on some of these things and I didn't have any ready to go. The good news however, was that there were a few that looked promising and my uterine lining looked good.

The other odd (cute) thing that happened was that while he was doingthe sonogram he said "Oh look you have kissing ovaries." I said "What?" He then showed me on the screen. My ovaries are literally touching each other right now - partly because they have been stimulated and partly because they are only attached by ligaments and can move around slightly. It was very cute to see on the screen and I thought to myself.... awe.... maybe this is a good sign :-)

One small vial of medicine last night and that was a BREZZE!

Today: Back to the lab for bloodwork and another sono. All is looking good. There are a few follicles that he thinks will be ready in a few days (he is waiting on bloodwork) but he also had some concerns. He told me "We don't want all these guys getting to the train station at the same time!" I know right now with the precedure we are doing (IUI) there is a fine line. They want to give us the best possible chance of becoming pregnant but also want both mom and baby to be healthly (hence having 8 eggs and getting them all fertilized wouldn't be good). This however, can be hard for me as it seems like we haven't been having any luck getting one of my husband's dudes to fertilize an egg. If they had a few more to find it might be easier for them.

Through this journey I continue to learn more and more and I continue to grow closer to the staff at the office. I erally enjoy medical science and through my expereince I really wish I could do something.... get out and talk to people about infertility and/or work in an office with those women who are going through it. It can be a really lonely feeling.

Ovaries were still kissing and I'm holding onto my hope that it is a good sign and what we needed.

End of this week will be it I hope!!!! Baby thoughts :-)

This week has been pretty rough. I'm always nervous when I start the shots, even though I know I've done it before and will have no problems - I'm still anxious.

The medications themselves are going well - the shots are smooth and only hurt a bit. But we've had a few issues....

My biggest problem has been my lack of sleep. Each night I've been waking up 2-3 times - which doesn't lend itself to a good night's sleep. I've been so tired and drained and just hoping to sleep the night through!

Then I also got some information that floored me! I've been drinking Chai Tea at night - it is my little ritual - I make one then do some scrapbooking.... all the while because I thought it was a "good" substitute... it is 99.8% Caffeine free. Well after my sleeping this week I thought maybe I misread the container. This container I have doesn't have ANY info on caffeine. So I called the company who makes it and asked about the content. Sure enough... it has caffeine... and ALOT of it. About 60 mg.... which is almost TWO sodas. I've been doing this probably 4-5 times a week. NOT GOOD!! I was freaking out. I know caffeine isn't good for you and typically don't drink much of it - but here I am having almost 2 sodas a day, but not knowing? I was so mad at myself. Of course I stopped - those puppies are getting returned! How can they not list that as an ingredient??? Then after I stopped I had a dull headache for 2 days - maybe my body needed the caffeine? Not a happy camper but most importantly I'm upset ingredients don't have to be listed - that just doesn't seem right especially with an ingredient such as this that can be detrimental!

So today was a day to reflect - forgive myself - and get some rest. Keeping my chin up and hoping this is our lucky cycle.

This Is It

We are starting a new cycle!!!! So the good news is that my cysts resolved on their own naturally. What a relief it was to hear the doctor tell me that my ovaries looked good along with the "A" ok to start a new cycle.

Now of course comes the fear again. First, the fear of the whole financial aspect. My appointment itself was $244 then the medications come out to another $647! Really $647 for medications? That really is ridiculous... but I won't even go down that road. We are still doing something less invasive on my body and less financially taxing - the IUI route. I still do struggle with that decision but at this point I'm terrified of taking out a loan for $20-25,000 for the chance to have a child. I'm hoping in the long run our decision pays off and that I made the best decision :-)

Each cycle I get excited. I feel optimisitc and hopeful and so far each month my dreams have come crushing down on me. I'm trying to keep my chin up and think nothing but positive thoughts. We've been trying for a long time and have shown that we'll be persistent. I know we'll be great parents and think this expereince is teaching both of us many life lessons.

So first night of pills was last night. The pills don't do much to me except give me hot flashes - ha ha... a sign of what awaits me 30 years down the road?

Feeling tired this morning but excited to get home and do some more scrapbooking. I always envision myself finally filling an album with pictures of our little ones. Some day......

Yesterday was a beautiful San Diego day. It was perfect too as we relaxed by the pool and enjoyed time with friends. Then we had a nice dinner and watched television. However, we both had an awful night of sleep. I think we were both thinking about this upcoming month. What would be next for us?

I woke up this morning feeling very anxious! Today is my next appointment to check and see if the cyst has resolved itself.... so let's see where this goes......

I'm hoping taking this time off will be healthy both emotionally and physically for us. But I can say that it has been hard knowing that we aren't doing any treatments this month. I'm just ready to be a mom.

We've spent time with family these last two weekends - It is really nice to get a chance to spend time with them, though it is hard too because I know they are wondering if/when we'll have children. With my mom, she knows, and I think she isn't sure when to bring things up about the issue. However, anytime I need to talk/vent or just talk about the process she is always there!

It's hard being out in public and seeing all the newborn babies. I just imagine myself in their shoes and the things I would be doing :-) This past weekend for example I went skiing with my mom with some free passess a girlfriend was generous to give me and there seemed to be alot of "little" ones on the slopes. It was so darn cute and I could just imagine us as parents teaching out kid(s) to ski. Heading down the mountain with the little harness on them, or skiing with them between your legs. Those are the days I long for - the days when I'm a parent and can give my children life experiences.

Until then.... I dream.....

Infertility can be a sad, and lonely condition. It isn't easily discussed, nor is it generally accepted as an officially diagnosed medical condition, such as heart disease, cancer, or diabetes, though in my personal opinion, infertility absolutely should be included on this supposed list. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) declared that infertility is a disease as did the World Health Organization People suffering through infertility often have trouble accepting, as well as understanding, infertility. I know I originally laughed it off because I didn't know what else to do. I was so scared!!! It's not uncommon for friends, and family members to become uneasy when it comes to discussing this private and personal issue. Unfortunately, as much as your family, and/or friends, long to understand your situation, infertility is an internal issue generally met with some confusion.

As for me, it is a journey my husband and I are now on. We are trying to learn as much as possible as we struggle to conceive and at the same time I talk with friends (some of whom are struggling too) to help them understand what is happening. Infertility isn't something to be ashamed of (though I was inititally). I no longer maintain any fear of speaking openly about my infertility and find comfort when I can talk with others about it. My body's nobody's business but my own, and of course, the select few my husband and I have chosen to share our most personal information with. The freedom I feel now, after having spoken openly about my own fertility issues, has generously rewarded me with a great deal of peace. To be able to "teach" someone also brings me great reward.

Hopefully this blog gives people some tips on how to successfully discuss infertility with family, and friends along with some insight on what might go through on a daily basis.

Bottom line: I believe you shouldn't ever feel obligated to discuss your infertility with anyone, unless, of course, you choose to do so voluntarily. Allow yourself to feel sad, mad, happy, scared, hurt, etc. There will be alot of emotions that you'll be faced with. But each step of the way I believe we become stronger.

As I am forced to take this month off due to cysts I'm able to look back on the processes that we've done so far, gather more information all the while trying to "de-stress!". Of course the last is easier said than done :-)

Fun Times

Took a break from all the stress to see the Cirque Du Soliel show with my mom. Wow they are truly amazing! Being a former gymnast and cheerleader I REALLY enjoy the shows. What athletes they are :-) Brings me back to my recent days of trapeze. Something I will eventually go back to. The feeling of flying in the air is amazing and something I cannot describe. When walking with my husband last night, I told him, I wish there would've been trapeze and such when I was in high school (in my hometown though). He said, "Well you would've never met me though." I said, "Why?" He said, "You would've gone off and joined the circus!" I do think it would've been amazing to tour the world with a "circus" but my life is pretty good :-)

The night was also very enjoyable because I got to go to dinner with my mom and spend some quality time with her. I can talk openly with her about our struggles which is so nice and refreshing. I know how much she wants to be a grandma and the timing is perfect.... she is retired! She has told me time and again that she doesn't want to be the caretaker. She wants to be the grandma and do fun things with the new little one. I hope our journey ends soon and she is blessed with a little grandchild.

I know when the day comes it will truly be the happiest day of all of our lives! And so our journey continues.....

Cysts

I woke up this morning feeling very tired. We all know emotions can be tiring! Once I was awake and in a grove I had work to do. I needed to read up on ovarian cysts. My nickname is "researcher" partly because that it what I do for a living but also because that is what I do with life. I research everything!!! Sometimes it is good, other times not so good. I can drive myself insane at times. So today I told myself that I would just speand alittle time reading about cysts and then I wouldn't worry anymore.

So it was time for some detective work. Ovarian cysts are small fluid-filled sacs that develop in a woman's ovaries. Most cysts are harmless.... I stopped there and took a deep breath. That was a good first sentence :-) There are varying types of cysts and it looks like what I have are corpus luteum cysts. This type of "functional" ovarian cyst occurs after an egg has been released from a follicle. After this happens, the follicle becomes what is known as a corpus luteum. If a pregnancy doesn't occur, the corpus luteum usually breaks down and disappears. It may, however, fill with fluid or blood and persist on the ovary. Usually, this cyst is found on only one side and produces no symptoms. A good last sentence too :-)

I read a few more articles and realized that this happens quite often after ovulation treatment. However, it isn't something that is mentioned during the treatment. As I cotinue on this journey I realize there are SO many things that people are unaware of. There is so much more education that could be done. However, I know that I am in the "minority" and most people don't have problems conceiving. But, there are alot of us who do have problems and I know that I feel more comfortable and not as scared when I understand what is going on. Education is so important to me!

Anyway, so these cysts usually collapse and shrivel up by the end of the month, but occasionally (up to 30 percent of the time) they hang around for another month or so before resolving on their own. Since a cyst was shown on my ultrasound our treatment had to be delayed. Reason: These leftover cysts can diminish the effectiveness of fertility treatment and may lead to painful ovarian enlargement or torsion (twisting of the ovary that can result in loss of ovarian function). First, the treatment itself is expensive so of course I'm only going to do it when all is right and I don't want to do anything to jeopordize my ovaries! So as I said yesterday - we are on hold this cycle.

Now of course that does't mean nothing :-) We'll still "practice" and hope for the best this month. At the same time I'll be praying that my body is absorbing the cyst and should we not be pregnant next month that we'll be able to start another cycle.

I'm ready to be a mom!

Ready? No

You would think that after all the poking and prodding I've been through the last few months that a doctor visit wouldn't be scary anymore. Wrong! I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. and was excited, nervous, scared and sad all at the same time.

The doctor was running late so I had to wait in the waiting room alittle longer than normal. I saw many couples waiting and thought to myself - wow this truly is a widespread problem, much more so than I would've ever know!

The nurse finally called me in and took me to my room. As I was walking in front of her she gently put her hand on my back and said "I am sorry." I'm sure it is hard for them to break the news to people each month that they aren't pregnant. But then I'm sure they are so happy to be able to finally say "You're pregnant!" My hope is that day will soon come for us. I will be persistent and do what I can to make this work. Of course through it all we unfortunately may be limited by money. All we can do is continue on this journey and see where it takes us.

My doctor came in and shook my hand as he always does. I playfully said "It's me again. I'm back." I have to be a bit light in our circumstances or I would drive myself insane. He then told me "I have it all planned out. This is going to be the month and all your future visits are going to be cancelled." Of course that brought a huge smile to my face, even though I knew he was just trying to be nice. The matter is a bit out of his hands. I said "Well you won't hear any complaints from me. That would be the greatest gift for me!"

So onto the exam as we do each month. Once again a nervous feeling came over me. Though I know the procedures and feel comfortable with the staff there is still that unknown feeling. And unfortunately this month I was also given some news that I had never heard before :-( As he was looking to see how my ovaries looked, he said "Well this is why you must always come in for a baseline. You see this here. You have a cyst in your ovary." Of course I was scared at his first remark. However, he then proceeded to tell me that the cysts themselves aren't worrisome. Many people get them each month, but because they aren't being monitored closely like myself they never even know they have them. However, there was so bad news. This month will be an "off" month. We cannot do any treatment. We must wait and pray that the cysts resolve on their own this month.

I left feeling defeated. Got to work and have been submerging myself in it to not think about it.

I'm taking my mom to Kooza (Cirque Du Soleil) tonight and am looking forward to the distraction if only for a night!

Back to It

I have been MIA again. We took two months off to enjoy the holidays. Once we choose to start a cycle we must be available EVERYDAY. We never know when the next ultrasound will be scheduled and everything is very timed these days. We wanted to enjoy the holidays and in the back of my mind I also thought that maybe the stress was affecting me. So, taking two months off, spending time with family and friends and enjoying the holidays I thought might be a blessing. However, Christmas came and I received a cruel present. Aunt Flo! I mean I don't think I was expecting anything but to have it come on that day was just heartbreaking for me! But I brushed it off and gave thanks to what we do have: health, friends and family. I know we can get through this, I just know it!

Another cycle to come .......